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Most parents at some time find themselves feeling frustrated and angry with their children. This is normal. Occasionally they say things they regret, to their children, their spouses, or their friends. This, too, is normal. This does
not necessarily mean that you do not love them, but name-calling hurts, especially when the person doing it is a parent, teacher or coach.
Current research shows that verbal abuse of children can be just as destructive emotionally as physical or sexual abuse. This puts your child in a much higher risk for depression and anxiety. Verbal abuse can undermine your child's self-esteem, damage his/her ability to trust and form relationships, and chip away at their academic and social skills.
The signs of verbal abuse are harder to recognise and prove, than signs of physical abuse.
What Is Verbal Abuse?
You may be verbally abusing your child if you are doing any of the following:
Name Calling, Belittling, Swearing or Insulting – Saying things like “You are stupid” or even belittling your child to your spouse, also hurts. Just because you're not berating your child directly doesn't mean he/she doesn't hear it.
Using Sarcasm – Making a remark, such as “Now that was clever” when he drops or spills something on the floor, is perceptive enough for a child to understand that you’re demeaning him or her.
Rejecting or Threatening with Abandonment – Saying things like “I wish that you had never been born,” creates a sense that your child does not belong or is not wanted in the family.
Threatening Bodily Harm – A Harvard Study found that parents who frequently yell at their children are more likely to hit them frequently. This will make your child fear and distrust you.
Blaming or Scapegoating – Saying things like “If you weren’t so clumsy, your sister wouldn’t have gotten hurt,” will make the child think that he is a bad person who deserves to be unhappy.
Berating your spouse – Verbal aggression between parents is more traumatic to children that physical violence between parents. Children who see their parents verbally abusing each other are more likely to be depressed or
anxious.
How can you tell if a child is being verbally abused
The most common effect of verbal abuse is a negative self-image. The child may be belittling him or herself by saying things like “Nobody likes me.” Your child may fall behind in school, socially or academically. Rocking, bed-wetting and thumb sucking may all be signs that a child is being abused verbally.
In older children, self-destructive acts like cutting themselves with razors or knives, are signs of verbal abuse. The child will show a higher rate of physical aggression. He may hit other children or even hurt animals, deliberately.
Verbal abuse causes long-term harm
Research shows that abused children are more likely to become abusive themselves fall victim to abuse later in life. They also tend to develop anxiety and become depressed and self-destructive.
What to do to avoid being verbally abusive to your child
In moments of stress and anger, try to refrain from saying anything mean or sarcastic to your child. Remember, you're his main and most important role model. If you tend to fall apart, lose your cool, and act abusively at challenging times, you'll likely raise a child who does the same.
Recognise your feelings and think of the situation differently. Empathise with you child and hear what he or she has to say. Keep your attention on the problem at present and don’t let other problems that you have piled-up inside, overcome of you.
Take a "time-out." This method works as well for adults as it does for kids. If your child can be left alone, go to another room. If he's too young for that, try walking to the other end of the room. Then take a few slow, deep breaths,
seeking to let go of the situation emotionally. Wait five minutes before talking to your child.
What can I do to prevent someone else from verbally abusing my child?
Always be aware of other influences on your child. Just because you have your temper under control doesn't mean that all the other adults in your child's life do. Teachers, coaches, babysitters, siblings, older siblings of friends, and even other children's parents can harm your child by demeaning or humiliating him. Make a point of asking your child about his relationships with other adults. Of course, he might not tell you if someone is verbally abusing him -- he might not even realise it. So you'll want to be on the lookout for signs of emotional turmoil.
“Stick and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a fallacy. Verbal abuse may not leave physical wounds and scars, but it certainly does leave wounds and scars in the heart and spirit of a child. Even if we cannot see the scars, it does not mean that it is not there and that it is not hurting very deeply. |
